Football fans need reminder on danger of flares

EDUKASHUN corner. On the day that British education was shown to be lagging behind that of other countries, the Chinese state media described Britain as "not a big power." One British emailer was so incensed that he posted this defiant warning on the Sky News website: "Right off the UK at your Pearl." You see the problem?

ANYONE else puzzled at the Government's eagerness to get people with dementia diagnosed as quickly as possible? The latest weapon in the campaign is a dementia map showing which parts of Britain are good, having the highest numbers of patients diagnosed by doctors, and which areas are bad for identifying fewer sufferers. Call me awkward but if I felt the mist descending in my head, I'd be inclined to move to one of the bad areas pretty damn quick. Most types of dementia cannot be cured and having the D-word stamped on your medical records can ruin your life on many levels, from losing your driving licence to being refused travel insurance. I bet millions of folk see no point in a diagnosis until there is some hope of a cure. Just put me down as "a bit forgetful," thanks.

BY CHANCE, in the week that the Government urged us to take Alzheimer's more seriously, my local sweetshop started selling Senior Moment Memory-Loss Mints.

HERE'S something the payday-loan people never mention. There is a growing body of evidence that young people are being denied mortgages, or charged a higher rate of interest, if their credit record shows they ever had a payday loan. A broker explained to the Sunday Times that such customers are "under pressure or not good at managing their affairs." Borrow now, pay 10 years from now.

ON THE surface, glamour, glitz and sweet perfection. Underneath, yuk. From what we have heard in court, the Saatchi/Nigella marriage could have come straight out of Beautiful South's hit, Don't Marry Her. The song has a wonderful (and suitably culinary) line describing the sad state of affairs "when your socks smell of angels, but your life smells of Brie."

IN AN idle moment I voted in an online poll asking whether people who throw flares at football matches should face harsher punishment. I expected to see an overwhelming Yes vote. But at the time I cast my vote, more than a quarter of respondents had voted against tougher sanctions. This suggests thousands of fans are fairly relaxed about blazing objects being lobbed over their heads. And then you do the sums and realise that Bradford was 28 years ago. No-one under 40 really remembers what happens when a football stadium catches fire. Let us hope they never have a reminder.

SO MUCH for Whitehall getting a grip on the bonus culture in the City. It is revealed that more than 2,700 UK bankers earned at least a million euros (£830,000) last year – a rise of 11 per cent in a single year. Being a banker has always struck me as a bit like working in a chocolate factory where employees can take home large quantities of the product. The difference is that chocolate workers eventually get sick of chocolate but City slickers seem to have a limitless appetite for loot. Fill your pockets, lads.

THAT National Infrastructure Plan explained. Pension companies will invest billions of pounds in power stations which will produce very expensive electricity, making huge profits. These profits will enable the pension companies to pay pensions to elderly people. Unfortunately, the pensions won't quite cover the cost of the hugely profitable electricity.

I REFERRED a few days ago to the online quiz which tells you the literary character you most resemble. A friend tackled all the questions and emerged as Romeo. Then he convinced himself he had answered some questions wrongly and had another go. So now he's Gandalf. Moral: Quit while you're ahead.